This is just an excert, this is where all the drama between Ryan, samantha, and Ty go down! Some of it is praha phrased. Setting: Sam’s room: Sam: I’m bored.(alone) KNOCK KNOCK(at window)Ty! What are you doing? TY: let me in. Sam: why? Ty: because we need to talk.Sam: o.k. Ty: sam, since i’m your boyfriend now, i just wanted to say I love you. Sam: Ty, I um.. I’m sorry but my ex, just moved back here and he well um… Ty: I get it , you want to go back with your e. SAM:sorry Ty: its o.k.bye Sam: bye. Next day at school… Lita: ARE YOU NUTS?? Sam: what(confused)Lita: then why did you dump Ty? because Ryan moved back here. Lita: who/ Sam: Ryan lens, last year my ex boy friend.LitA:oh Ty: Sam!!! Sam: shoot!(lita leaves in a hurry) Ty: um sam .. WHY DID YOU DUMP MeSam: excuss me? Ty:(exhale deeply) why did you dump me for ryan? Sam; because i still love him. TY: oh Sam: sorry. Ty: its o.k. bye. Sam: bye….Ty Sam I really am sorry. Ty; yeah I know Ryan: Sam Ty; bye (leaves in a hurry)
Sam: hey “FRENCH KISS” Ryan: what color is your prom dress? Sam: sliverish blue Ryan: can you make it purple to match my tux? Sam: yeahRyan: Thanks Later that day at mall: Sam: can exchange this for this? Saleclirck: yes. Sam: thanks Josh: Hye, Sam Josh: ty told me what happened Sam: darn it! Josh: whats wrong with me knowing? Sam: nothing, i’ll tell you later. Josh: Fine. Olivia: Het, I was just going through the mall when I ran into ty and he told me what happened. Your going with your ex to the prom!!!! Sam: Olivia you don’t understand.. Olivia: No! I do, you want to go with a guy you caught cheeting on you!! Sam : well…i..um.
Sam: hey “FRENCH KISS” Ryan: what color is your prom dress? Sam: sliverish blue Ryan: can you make it purple to match my tux? Sam: yeahRyan: Thanks Later that day at mall: Sam: can exchange this for this? Saleclirck: yes. Sam: thanks Josh: Hye, Sam Josh: ty told me what happened Sam: darn it! Josh: whats wrong with me knowing? Sam: nothing, i’ll tell you later. Josh: Fine. Olivia: Het, I was just going through the mall when I ran into ty and he told me what happened. Your going with your ex to the prom!!!! Sam: Olivia you don’t understand.. Olivia: No! I do, you want to go with a guy you caught cheeting on you!! Sam : well…i..um.
Sam: hey “FRENCH KISS” Ryan: what color is your prom dress? Sam: sliverish blue Ryan: can you make it purple to match my tux? Sam: yeahRyan: Thanks Later that day at mall: Sam: can exchange this for this? Saleclirck: yes. Sam: thanks Josh: Hye, Sam Josh: ty told me what happened Sam: darn it! Josh: whats wrong with me knowing? Sam: nothing, i’ll tell you later. Josh: Fine. Olivia: Het, I was just going through the mall when I ran into ty and he told me what happened. Your going with your ex to the prom!!!! Sam: Olivia you don’t understand.. Olivia: No! I do, you want to go with a guy you caught cheeting on you!! Sam : well…i..um. Olivia: He has a girlfriend in a diffrent town. Sam: how do you know? Olivia: I pick up his cell and it was his gf. Well, i don’t want to type the rest but in the end sam cusses ryan off, and goes back with ty. Victoris ty ex gf, if pi$$ed at sam and plans to beat her up….
i didnt mean to put it there twice
thrid and fourth one
it sucks.
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its short, choppy, and the title sucks. nothing personnal that just my opinion.
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it is soooo kool
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…
Don’t ever, ever, ever, ever get your hopes up on becoming a published author. In fact, keep it off the Internet and to your friends only until you’ve learned to write in complete sentences and not write such utter crap.
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its annoying and stupid. every second the characters change. it horrible and dumb.
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o.k., honestly? really boring, and there is a book out there called ‘Queen Bees and Wannabes’, so you may even be borderline plaigerizing. HOWEVER, you are probably very young, and with anything worth doing, you just need to keep practicing and reading (research) and I’m sure I’ll be reading your published works in a few years! Good Luck!
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really bad
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Try using more words.
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That’s gay where did you get that from come on nothing personal
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Learn to spell. The story is boring. Don’t quit your day school.
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keep reading various types of books to get inspiration and then let the language flow tell your story/imagination. u need to have the language strength to portray your imaginations…
keep it up, nobody was born perfect…
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It has no depth, it is extremely girlish and ditzy… it makes me want to scream. It’s like a dumb soap opera.
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Your story is very short. It would appeal to young girls mostly because it sounds like middle school drama. I’m thankful to help you , any questions email me at christirnr@yahoo.com.
It’s my opinion.
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You could use some basic rules of grammar to make it look more proffessional and understandable. For example, instead of “Sam: I’m bored.(alone) KNOCK KNOCK(at window)Ty!” you could say
“‘I’m bored,” Sam said to herself as he sat alone in her room, when suddenly there came a knock at the window. she turned and the words Ty escaped from her lips as she saw him waiting outside.”
The dialogue isn’t very exciting. It is short and choppy. Sorry. =/ I’m sure you two have lots of other talents besides writing!
It’s my opinion.
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This is nice, but what is your approach, a movie? This is nice, I’d read it, but you may want to throw a little more about the characters in the story. (I know it’s an excert!) Add more detail and use more lvibrant verbs. It will make it sound better. It is a little choppy. Try to get a routine into the main charcter, (Like reading, i.ming, or writng in a journal. Resolve with that topic being the main symbol. Right noww, It is a little hard to follow, but I’m sure it’s just because it’s without and words to say like, Joe announced or transitioning from sentece to sentence. A book isn’t just You also, just to make sure you know, want to make your character develop. Either by realizing something, (To Kill A Mockingbird), Learning how to survive, (Hatchet), Adventures, (The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn) or Dealing with life, (Tangerine). You should research and read books that follow Almost the same kind of setting, voice or plot as yours. Your Story is interesting, but be sure to add a conflict. Believe me, It isn’t terrible, it’s not even bad. It’s a rough draft. It’s not supposed to be perfect. Keep at it! Good Luck!
P. S. It’s good that you stick to the stuff you know!
I am an amateur writer trying to get a book published.
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its to pretencious, you loose the readers attention in the first three lines and besides and it is very confusing.
I am an amateur writer trying to get a book published.
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Listen to what everyone else said above but if this is your dream – to write – then keep practising. Over and over and over again.
How are you? When I was 12, I started writing my own stories like that and they sucked big time – I can fianlly admit. Now at 19, they’re so much better – not my opiniion but everyone’s. I’ve practised over the years.
Keep on writing and you’ll do better. Good luck!
I am an amateur writer trying to get a book published.
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It’s like a o.k. type of story but you have to do work hard and harder if you want to become a good righter my best wishes to you for all that.
self
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